Dealing with Difficult People
Photo: Stock Photo Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with [...]

Photo: Stock Photo

Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

• Hurting Ourselves – One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
• It’s Not About You, It’s About Them – I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them. There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
• Battle of the Ego – When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict. Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts? When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
• Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity. - Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward. Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
• Waste of Energy – Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
• Negativity Spreads – I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
• Freedom of Speech – People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right? Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

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15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

Photo by Kara Pecknold

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive – What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?“

2. Wait it Out – Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?” – Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?“

4. Don’t Respond – Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It – When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice. Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes – As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons – No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life – Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life. Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer – When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

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10. Go for a Run … or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario – Ask yourself two questions, “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“, “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?” Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions – When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important – List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?“

14. Pour Honey – This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It – Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!

If you enjoyed this article, please vote for it on Digg, share it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support.

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Other Articles You May Enjoy:

• Train Your Eyes to See Color, Again
• How to Free Yourself from Guilt
• How to Really Listen to Someone
• 8 Keys to Instant Charisma

External Resources:

• Kathy Sierra: Angry/Negative People Bad for Your Brain
• Book: Emotional Intelligence
• Book: The Power of Now

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Connect with Your Creative Writer
Photo by Cindy Loughridge Do you have to complete a piece of writing but are putting it off? A report, a blog article, or a letter? Are you finding that the moment you sit down to write, your mind seems to go blank? Crap! Writers block! What can you do about it? Although, the [...]

Photo by Cindy Loughridge

Do you have to complete a piece of writing but are putting it off? A report, a blog article, or a letter? Are you finding that the moment you sit down to write, your mind seems to go blank? Crap! Writers block! What can you do about it?

Although, the term writers block is popular, this feeling of blockage and mind blanking is not specific to writing, but of any creative feats. Other examples include, brainstorming for a new business, dancing, musical performances, music composition, painting or photography. I’ve personally experienced this during my photography work, blanking out as I stand in front of a client waiting for me for direction. I call these Creative Blocks, where your mind just comes up empty and you feel lost. It’s purely mental.

Through practice and observation, I’ve gotten pretty good at getting past these blank moments, and this article shares some insights for unlocking your creativity. Throughout the article, I will be using writing as the example, but keep in mind that it is equally applicable to any creative activity.

Creativity & Mental Blocks

Before digging into how we can unlock these creative blocks, here are some observations on the subject of feeling mentally blocked.

• The more we Think about it, the worse it becomes. The more we think about not knowing what to write, the stronger the feeling of not knowing what to write, the harder is it to come up with creative and original content.
• Creativity is a miraculous interaction of the mind and spirit. Regardless of how we label it, I believe it is inter-linked with spiritual realm of things (not religion). Talk to any exceptional artists and they’ll explain that the creative space is comparable to that of no-mind spiritual state. My brilliant cellist friend once explained it perfectly, “that place in you which is infinite and unexplainable and nothing physical can compare to that space. When I am in that place, all thoughts clear out. It’s just me and the field of infinity.“
• We all have the capacity within us to access this place of infinite creativity. However, what may be blocking us is our mind, our thoughts, the inner noise created by ourselves, consciously and unconsciously.
• When we are working in that creative space, we are experiencing flow. We feel happy, content, and passionate. Time just flies. Think of the last time you were deeply in joy with writing, creating something or deeply immersed in a project. What did that feel like?
• There is no such thing as “I am not a creative person“, it may only be the case because we keep telling ourselves that. Creativity is something that can be cultivated. We are born with access to the creative space, some of us may be more in-tuned to it, but it is never too late to get in touch with that side of ourselves.
• When we need to produce something creative on a deadline, we may succumb to fear and start to procrastinate. Our thoughts get in the way sometimes, because we are afraid that we won’t be able to produce quality result in time, and so we push it away.

How to Overcome Writer’s Block

From my experience as a writer, I’ve learned that unless I was exceptionally inspired to write about a particular topic, I will experience writer’s block every single time. Sitting in front of a blank screen, my mind chatter would fire off random and discouraging thoughts. Ones like the following:

• How should I start the article? Errr.. I donno.
• How to structure the body? Can this article be as good as the last?
• Crap, I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel very good.
• I think I’m gonna check email. And to get a drink after that. I’ll delay this a bit more.

Can you relate? If so, you are not alone. It is quite normal to hear mind chattering. As widespread and as ‘normal’ as these self-destructive thoughts, they are not the problem. The problem is when we start to believe in these thoughts.

The secret to overcoming writer’s block is simple, and that is to just do it. Literally!

Here’s a simple stepped process that I follow when doing any sort of writing:

Step 1: Awareness - At any point during the following steps, you may be interrupted by your mind chatter yapping in the background. When you hear him or her, just say, Thank you for sharing. And continue on with what you’re doing.

Step 2 – Topic Selection – When selecting a topic, always choose one that you align with, closely. Preference goes to topics that you are personally experiencing now or in a recent past. Being able to emotionally connect with what you’re writing about is the seed for inserting that passion into your writing. Passion adds energy into a piece of writing and makes it come alive. If you do not connect with the available topics and you don’t have alternative options, visualize what it would feel like to be passionate about that topic.

Step 3 – Brainstorm & Capture Random Ideas – Spend 5-10 minutes to list out everything you can possibly talk about for this topic. List out all ideas, thoughts, sentences that come to you. List in bullet points and do so as fast as possible. Do not judge the thoughts that come to you, write everything down. No editing, just listing. Don’t worry about spelling, structure, or grammar. You can always delete them later. The point of this step is getting as many ideas down as possible. Also, this step helps you to get into the flow and rhythm of creative thinking.

Step 4 – Roughly Organized the Flow - See if you can move some of the thoughts from last step into meaningful groupings. It doesn’t have to be perfect or finalized. This step helps you to organize your thoughts a bit and starts to create a sense of logical flow.

Photo by Katsuaki Shoda

Step 5 – Jumping Over the Block – Start writing your opening paragraph without too much editing. Your first attempt might suck, and you will hear yourself shouting that in your head. Ignore them and continue to write without caring about how it sounds. Don’t bother erasing, just keep going. If you want to rephrase a paragraph, just write it above the old paragraph without removing the old paragraph. No perfection here, we’re just getting thoughts in paragraph form. Don’t worry about tweaking, do that later. The point of this step is to create the article flow.

I’ve found that often time, we get stuck at properly re-wording a sentence. In the end, we’ve spent so much time tweaking every detail that we still don’t know how the writing will flow. The important point here is to just write and get your ideas down in paragraph form, regardless of how sloppy or casual a paragraph may sound. You can always come back to perfect the paragraphs later, or re-write them once you have the important ideas down.

Step 6: Going with the Flow – After doing step 5 for a while, you will find an emotional connection with your writing. For me, this typically takes about 3-5 paragraphs of just writing without editing, at which point, words and nicely phrased sentences would flow out of me, effortlessly. Now, follow that flow. Either continue to write the rest of the article draft, or go back to re-phrase previously written paragraphs.

Step 7: Keep a Scratch Pad – As you come up with better ways of re-phrasing ideas, take your old wordings and paste them into a separate file known as the scratch pad. For example, I keep a file on my laptop called “blah.doc” which acts as my scratch pad of random paragraphs and sentences during writing. As useless as they may seem, they can pose as a pointer to the original idea. Even if the original phrasing is rough around the edges and not presentable, keeping the words mean no ideas are lost.

Step 8: Rephrasing & Trimming the Extra Pounds - Go through the article several times. At each sentence, ask yourself whether you can better phrase the sentence using less words? Add clarifying sentences only when you feel that it adds to the article. Do paragraphs sound verbose and not add value to your writing? If so, cut it out.

Tips for Unlocking Creativity

In addition to the steps above, here are the habits and tips which have helped me get more in-tuned with my inner creativity:

1. Follow Your Heart – Being inspired and passionate about what you’re creating is like swimming with the waves, they help push you in the direction you want to go without too much extra effort. Equally, when you’re creating something you don’t have much passion for, is like swimming against the waves, you can get back on the shore, but you’ll have to work a lot harder, while spending more energy doing so.
2. Tell the Truth - If you aim for truth without letting your ego take center stage, you will find that brilliance results as a side effect to your efforts. Practice candidness and speaking honestly, your authenticity will shine through and people will know because they too can feel it. Here’s a sweet quote you might like:
   • “Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring two pence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.” ~ C.S Lewis
3. Keep a Notebook at all Times – Always carry some form of paper and pen with you. You will never know what strokes of inspiration you’ll encounter as you enter the realms of everyday life.
4. Writing Down Ideas - We tend to get creative ideas during the week at times when we are not in front of the computer. Make a habit of writing everything down in your notebook, everything from inspirational quotes, to ideas that strike you, to personal thoughts and observations. For example, for this blog, I keep a doc containing a list of topics for future articles, and I add to this list whenever I feel that passion kicking in my heart about some new topic.

5. Inviting Creativity – When we get ideas, often our mind is so loud that we don’t notice them. Even when we notice these ideas, we start judging them. We would come up with reasons why they wouldn’t work. However, when we do this, we are really sending messages to our unconscious mind that we’re not interested in receiving notices of creative ideas. And we stop receiving them as often. Make a habit of seeking creative ideas, and create a space that welcomes them without judgment when they come, noting them down and give gratitude for having received them.
6. Give it Time – Send out a clear intention on what you would like to create and think about it over the next few days. You’ll find that once the intent is sent, you’ll start receiving related ideas at random times. Make sure you write everything down as it comes. You’ll be thankful you did.
7. Establish an Enjoyable Routine – We are creatures of habits and we are strongly subjective to associations. It’s a good idea to create a routine or ritual around when you write or do anything creative. With time, your mind will associate the routine with falling into a creative space. My personal routine is: having hot tea, listening to ambient music without singing, and having a blanket or my little dog covering my lap. It’s true!
8. Meditate - I cannot emphasize enough the benefits meditation and spending alone time for gaining mental clarity and easier access to your creative space. There are some fantastic guided meditation audio at Zencast, free of charge. For starters, just start with 5-10 minutes of silent time every morning with complete focus on your breath.
9. Practice, Practice, Practice - The more we do something, the better we get. Period. Not only do we get better, it becomes easier, or rather, we adapt to it. The more opportunity we spend in that creative space, the easier it will be to fall into it next time. It’s like anything else.
   Photo by Katsuaki Shoda
10. Exposure - If you want to be good at something, expose yourself to it as much as possible. If you want to become a better writer, read powerful and inspirational writing, often. If you want to be a photographer, check out publications from photographers whose work you connect with, or inspires you. Find someone with the kind of results you want, and model the positive traits they have. Assimilate these traits and develop them into your own style.
11. Remove Distractions – There’s nothing like being interrupted while you’re in the zone. Once you are interrupted, you need to spend extra time in order to get yourself back in that state again. If you’re about to get in your creative zone, it’s a good idea to get rid of all potential interruptions. Turn off the TV, put your phone on mute, don’t answer the door, put pets in another room, let your spouse known what you’re up to, etc.
12. Just Be Yourself - When you try hard to sound good, you’ll come off sounding unauthentic, and people are sensitive to that. Don’t try to be anything, just BE. Be in the moment as you are, right now. And from where we are, see what unfolds in this moment.
13. Cross-train - Think of the creative space as an infinite field of energy and intelligence. The activities we consider to be creative endeavors, such as writing, drawing, dancing or playing instruments, are simply tools that give us glimpses into that space. And when we practice other creative activities, we access different channels to the same stream of energy. Try doing something creative that frightens you or you don’t have much experience with. Go dancing or take a salsa class if dancing isn’t your thing. If you don’t think you’re a good writer, write a personal letter to yourself, make it introspective and intimate. If you feel that the best you can draw are stick figures, you have to check out this book: Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain and workbook. Phenomenal book on developing the creative side of your brain.

What do you do that makes you feel creative? Got any tips for how to get in touch with this beautiful state we know as creativity? See you in the comments below! Talk soon.

Dealing with Difficult People
Photo: Stock Photo digg_url=”http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/dealing-with-difficult-people/”; Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with [...]

Photo: Stock Photo

Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

• Hurting Ourselves – One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
• It’s Not About You, It’s About Them – I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them. There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
• Battle of the Ego – When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict. Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts? When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
• Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity. - Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward. Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
• Waste of Energy – Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
• Negativity Spreads – I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
• Freedom of Speech – People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right? Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

Photo by Kara Pecknold

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive – What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?“

2. Wait it Out – Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?” – Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?“

4. Don’t Respond – Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It – When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice. Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes – As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons – No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life – Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life. Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer – When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

10. Go for a Run … or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario – Ask yourself two questions, “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“, “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?” Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions – When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important – List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?“

14. Pour Honey – This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It – Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!

How to Tap Your Nap
Photo: stock photo By Vic Stachura What do you do when you have problems that need creative solutions? Would you like to be more creative? Are you willing to give sleep a try? Thomas Edison, Salvador Dali and Stephen King all did it. So did Wagner, Poe and Twain. They all used this technique successfully [...]

Photo: stock photo

By Vic Stachura

What do you do when you have problems that need creative solutions? Would you like to be more creative? Are you willing to give sleep a try?

Thomas Edison, Salvador Dali and Stephen King all did it. So did Wagner, Poe and Twain. They all used this technique successfully at one time or another.

What am I talking about? The ability to use the initial stages of sleep to generate creative ideas or to solve a perplex problem. Sounds a little far-fetched, doesn’t it? I thought so too, until I discovered that many of the great scientists, artists and engineers of our time have used sleep as a means of inspiration and problem solving. It has been described as trolling or mining for ideas in the subconscious of our mind.

We now know that our minds are just as active while we are sleeping as when we are awake. Portions of the brain do shut down during the midnight hours, while others become active and take us to far-away places where the ‘wild things roam’. Some of the greatest minds of our time have mastered this technique and enhanced their creativity. And with a little help, so can you.

Salvador Dali called his technique slumber with a key. He would sit in a chair with a heavy key in his left hand and plate on the floor. He would drift off, enjoy the subconscious show and wake up when the key would drop on the plate.

Stephen King also gets ideas from his sleep. He says that ideas are sent the way you would send someone an interoffice message in a pneumatic tube. Sometimes ideas are normal and retrieved while in a light sleep. Other, more exotic ideas are found in the depths of his sleep and only occasionally survive the trip to the surface.

Thomas Edison would put two steel plates on the floor directly underneath his hands, which were holding a steel ball. As he sat in his chair and drifting off into dream-land, his hands would open, dropping the balls on the plates and wake him up. He then noted any images, thought or ideas he had during his “naps”.

The following article was inspired by Jeff Warren’s book The Head Trip: Adventures on The Wheel Of Consciousness. While this article touches on only one aspect of our sleep patterns, “The Head Trip” is truly an adventure on the exploration of our consciousness.

Who is Creative?

Everyone has the ability to be creative and we shouldn’t think otherwise. You, me, your neighbor, even your land lady. Not everyone needs to be a Picasso or a Rembrandt, but we all have a creative and artistic side that can be tapped and nurtured. The key is that one needs to have the desire and the willingness to try. I’m not saying it’s easy but with a desire to learn, and some persistence, you too can be the creative person you want to be.

For me, I selected writing as my creative outlet. I enjoy the craft and enjoy creating stories to communicate ideas. I’ve been freelance writing for a short time now, and people ask me, where do you get ideas for articles? I usually tell them, I sleep on it and get a confused look in return. For me, ideas come at different times and I’ve started to carry a notebook to capture them when they come.

Besides getting ideas while driving or taking a shower, I tend also to generate topics for articles or even entire paragraphs while I’m half asleep or in a partial sleep state. Sometimes I get these ideas in the morning when I wake before my alarm while laying there half asleep. Other times I get these ideas at the beginning of the night when the wheel of consciousness starts to spin and I end up in another place.

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Sleep is Exercise for Your Brain

Did you ever think about how you fall asleep? It’s a little more complicated than curling into the fetal position and waking up in the morning. There are actually five stages of sleep that we go through each night. REM sleep is the most commonly known stage and is where many of our wildest dreaming takes place. But it’s in the first stage of sleep where we can easily be aware of our surroundings and mine our subconscious for creative ideas. The first stage of sleep is called the Hypnagogia. I promise never to use that word again and will use the term Sleep Onset, instead.

During the first phase of sleep is when we’re in between consciousness and that deep, REM sleep that we all love. As we slowly slip deeper into our minds, a funny thing starts to happen. Ideas start to generate. Some of them are fantastical, while others are practical. With a little practice, you too can use Sleep Onset to help generate creative ideas or solve complex problems.

Putting the Technique to Practice

There are two tricks to getting this technique to work:

1. You need to ‘prime the pump’ of your subconscious
2. Awaken before you slip into a deep sleep and don’t remember that great idea you had in the beginning of the night.

Did you ever experience a state where you were half-asleep? It’s when you’re kind-of sleeping, but not really and you can still hear things around you? It’s a strange feeling. You’re laying or sitting motionless, hearing noises or music around you, and you still have some cognitive ability. Your brain is starting to relax, but it’s not relaxed enough to send you completely into the land of Oz. That’s the stage of Sleep Onset that you can use to your advantage. I really enjoy this feeling and always wake very refreshed and feeling great. What a nice side affect – even if you don’t find any ideas, you’re getting some rest and wake up feeling refreshed. And that is never a bad thing to do.

Photo: Simón Pais-Thomas

The following are 6 steps to putting this technique to practice.

1. Start with a “Beginner’s Mind”

The concept of beginner’s mind is a Zen teaching that basically states that we should take our knowledge of a subject and set it aside for a while and approach a task with a clear mind.

How many stories have we heard where someone described an invention that everyone said was impossible. Sometimes too much knowledge can get in the way of a creative endeavor. If you know something is impossible, then it will be. But, if you don’t, then the possibilities are limitless.

2. Prime Your Subconscious by Focusing on Your Topic

You need to set your mind to the topic or problem at hand and this should be done before you start to fall asleep. It’s similar to when you have a problem and you have that Aha! moment while taking a shower. Up until that point your subconscious was busily working on your problem while you were distracted by the noise of everyday life. But one word of caution: you need to focus deeply on a problem repeatedly for a while, in order to drive it into the subconscious. Only then can your Aha! moment pop out later.

3. Turn on the Music

I’ve experienced the creative state of Sleep Onset many times, and it most frequently occurs when I’m listening to music. Either I put on headphones or have music playing in the background. While I enjoy rock-n-roll and Guitar Hero, a softer style of music works best for me when going to sleep. Buddha Lounge and Kitaro are my favorites. Don’t be afraid to experiment New Age and Ambient Music . Guns-N-Roses may be right for you, and that’s ok too. Whatever works, works.

4. Get Comfortable

Being on an easy chair, lying in bed or sitting on a plane – pick your favorite place, get comfortable and relax. Believe it or not, I experience the creative state frequently while flying. Once I reach the point where ‘electronic devices are permitted’, the head phones go on and I start streaming music into my brain. Maybe it’s a combination of the music, the gentle rocking motion of the plane and the hum of the engines that get my mind going. For me, it’s a recipe for creative success. It’s a shame the mood is broken when the plane hits some nasty turbulence and my drink ends up in my lap.

5. Think About Your Topic as You Drift Off

You’re comfortable, you’ve thought about your topic, and your favorite music is playing in the background. Now you can start to drift off. Before long you may notice that you’re “kind-of” sleeping. You can’t move, you hear the music, and you’re aware that you can’t move and you’re hearing music.

6. Free Your Mind

In your semi-conscious state, you’re aware of what’s happening and where it may lead. Learn to recognize this state of mind and focus on your idea or problem. This is where problem solving occurs and the ideas start to generate.

There’s no magic that I can write about here, you’ll just have to try it and see what happens. For me, I usually start to think about a topic for an article and I’ll start to formulate the opening lines and the premise of the initial paragraph.

7. Wake Up and Take Notes

I typically wake up after a period of time without the aid of heavy keys or ball bearings. But you may want something to prevent you from falling into a deep sleep and missing your creative opportunity. I suggest you set an alarm for 15 – 25 minutes and be prepared to take notes when you awake.

When I wake, I usually write down the opening lines or scribble the paragraph that I was thinking about. It’s never perfect, but it gives me enough information that I can easily bring it into focus. The process is like polishing a rock, after a while the rock becomes smooth and shiny. When you polish long enough, you can make anything look good.

Parting Words

Normally when one thinks of altered states, you have an image of being locked in an isolation chamber or taking substances that shouldn’t be taken. While some may have had success with these alternative methods, they usually lead to unwanted side effects. The sleep approach is legal, it works AND you wake up refreshed. What more could you ask for?

What are your thoughts on alternative methods for generating creative ideas? What do you do when you’re stuck with a problem? See you in the comments below.

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Editor’s Comment (Tina): I have not consciously tried sleep as a method for generating ideas, but am very intrigued by Victor’s unique voice. I will give this a try and comment. What I do regularly is a simple “visualization session” either in the bath or sitting on a comfortable couch.

The idea is to relax completely and let your unconscious mind flow, while allowing your conscious mind to lightly direct traffic. I would start with 5 minutes of gratitude with eyes closed, and then I would drive in to visualizing the end result I want for various problems. I would list out specific constraints and ask specific questions. I would repeat the question in my mind.

Even if I didn’t find the answer after my ‘rituals’, I would continue to mentally repeat the question throughout the day. The answer eventually comes, sometimes quickly, sometimes after a few days. I’ve found that when the answers are received, I’m usually in a relaxed state: after waking up from sleep, after visualization session, while reading, and while taking a walk. Music wise, I prefer any CD from Nawang Khechog for creative visualization. It’s also what I listen to when writing all articles for Think Simple Now.

Editor’s Editor’s Comment (Adam): I have been using shallow sleep as a focus and contemplation opportunity for a long time. I can remember when I was younger, lying in bed at night as thoughts stream through my mind and wondering Why aren’t I this creative during the day? Like me, I imagine that most people experience this same rush, but rarely write down those thoughts. I really appreciate Victor’s approach and style. I hope to see more of his writing on Think Simple Now.

I would also like to note that the Editor spends a long time in shallow sleep every morning while her alarm rings, sometimes for hours. She may not have consciously tried this technique, but I guarantee that she’s experienced it.

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